Respite Care

I took Mother to assisted living for two weeks of respite care this morning. I swear I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

For the last two weeks, I have been a basket case crying at the drop of a hat. It's almost a year since my father died making me Mother's sole caregiver. My sense of loss is so enormous and I can't stop sobbing. My heart is broken all over again at the loss of my Dad and at the vulnerability in my Mother's face when I left her at home.

I left her there for an exercise class. The care manager stayed with her while I moved her things in from the car. I saw a sweet old couple on the third floor where the dementia patients stay. I had seen them Saturday when Mother and I went to a barbecue there. She seems to be the dementia patient. Of course, in my current state I thought of my father and his concern and care giving for my mother. Sometimes I think that the stress of caring for Mother may have contributed to his death. Other times I think that caring for my mother also gave him the will to live.

I have been thinking also about how very, very much I will miss my mother when she dies. The pain I am feeling with that thought is horrendous, just awful.

I have a new contract that will require two business trips each year. Fortunately, the contract is only for three months; I don't think I can renew it because of the travel. I am so worried and anxious about my mother and her care that I don't think I can do it. I'm doing the respite care... just in case my contract continues. If I do two weeks to let the staff get used to Mother, then I can have her come back for shorter stays throughout the year.

How much my life of independence has changed in the last year! It is astounding.