Renewed

I'm feeling fairly renewed. Today is Friday; respite care ends on Monday. The first couple of days were emotionally exhausting; the last few days have been kind of renewing. There was an emotional loss last week that was a huge big hole in my life. Flash backs of extraordinarily painful feelings of grief... Deep, gut-wrenching stuff...

On Monday, I called Jeff -- my meditation coach, mentor, teacher, friend. He helped me feel the pain, face it, and move through it. I forced myself to respond to my need for a break from caring for my mother rather than her need to be here at home and cared for by a member of the family.

Most of the time she doesn't know who I am. When she was first diagnosed, I thought that when she didn't know me it would kill me. It doesn't or hasn't. Sometimes, she thinks I'm her sister; sometimes, her mother; almost never her daughter. Strange. Really strange. Most of the time she seems to know my name, although she talks about Barbara in the third person. "This is Barbara's," she will say to me and I will say, "Yes, I'm Barbara."

"Sure," she says with a tone of voice that suggests she doesn't believe it. When I go to get her Monday, what will I see and how will she respond?